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Week of 6/19/2017

Week of 6/19/2017

Hendersonville NC man arrested after getting stuck in pig's vagina

Think you’ve seen and heard it all? Before answering, consider David Chavez of Hendersonville, NC. Chavez was recently arrested for shtupping a pig. That in itself is not jaw-droppingly unusual, but then there’s the condition in which local police discovered Chavez and his victim. Are you sitting down?

The suspect allegedly had his penis irretrievably stuck inside the pig’s vagina. And the pig was not happy about it.

I didn’t think the human penis could get stuck inside any kind of vagina. At least not without some horrible mishap in which epoxy is mistaken for lubricant.

If you’re uncomfortable reading this, I understand. We’re talking about a man raping a defenseless animal, and we should feel outraged by that. But the circumstances of this story make it damn near impossible to stop laughing.

Think about it. Of the countless stories of animal rape, how often does the humiliation of the perpetrator rise to this level? This is poetic justice at its finest.

But when the laughter subsides, there’s still the sad reality of the sentient being Chavez raped. And not just once. Apparently he had been doing this for several months, and would still be doing it if not for his penis getting stuck and the pig squealing so loudly that a shotgun-wielding farmer had to come see what the trouble was.

Chavez claimed he wasn’t hurting the pig — that she is the reincarnation of his soulmate, and he loves her. Without a thorough psychological examination, it’s impossible to know whether he genuinely believes what he’s saying, or is simply laying the groundwork for an insanity defense. You see, bestiality is a Class I felony in North Carolina, and Chavez could face a lot of prison time if convicted. And given the weight of evidence against him, I don’t envy his defense counsel.

David Chavez might wish he had lived in Kentucky, where the only way he could face serious criminal charges is if he’d physically injured or killed the pig. And fighting to preserve the rights of animal rapists are the Kentucky Farm Bureau and Kentucky Houndsmen Association, who have tirelessly fought against efforts to outlaw bestiality in the Bluegrass State.

On behalf of star-crossed “animal lovers” like Chavez, thank you for your service, gentlemen.